Last we knew: Lots of morons were still at large

Published 9/20/05

Ever wonder what’s going through the mind of a mortal as he, she or it trashes a bridge at a place such as Shadyside Park?

Could it be, “Dude! I got me a bridge!”

Or, “Thanks Mom and Dad for nuthin’!”

Maybe, “Put this on your front page!”

But I choose to believe it’s more like this: “ .”

In fact, I’m working on a new Pull No Punches Style Manual which recommends that the media refer to people who participate in random acts of destruction as “morons.” Where an adjective is needed, “stupid” or “brainless” will suffice.

And so, using the JW Style Manual, last Friday’s account of the vandalization of the Shadyside Park bridge on the front page of the Herald Bulletin, would read, “Sometime after the park closed at 11 p.m. Tuesday, morons bent back about 30 feet of the aluminum fencing and damaged 14 of the fence’s structural posts, which are interspersed every five feet. The morons also smashed the glass globes on four lampposts in the parking lot near the playground.”

My manual will explain the line of reasoning for using a word such as “moron” as opposed to more traditional editorial usage of words such as “vandal” or “hoodlum.” That meandering line goes something like this: Down through the decades of cultural history, we have celebrated the exploits of rebels, delinquents, vandals, hooligans, outlaws and ruffians, frequently referring to them as “anti heroes.” Not knowing what an “anti” is, these types thought they were being called “heroes.” Nothing affirms a rebel more than calling him, her or it a “rebel.” I know I always found it quite validating. But again I’m referring to anarchists bent on random acts of destruction.

A Pull No Punches manual would have helped news organizations as they struggled to report a story that appeared in this and other papers last summer. In that story, a Waco, Texas, man was sentenced to 99 years for stealing a cell phone and then assaulting its owner. It didn’t help that he was a convicted felon who had 15 misdemeanor and 12 trespassing convictions in the prior 14 years. Nor did it help that he went on a profanity laced outburst at his trial that included this widely reported testimony:

“There’s things I choose to do. Like, if I go in a store and choose to take a Snicker’s bar. If you catch me, you catch me. If not, I’m going to go home and eat it up and go about my business, dawg.”

This guy is a moron on several accounts. First, he was caught with the cell phone after its owner called the number from another other cell phone and heard its distinctive “Aggie War Hymn” ring when the thief actually answered the phone. Second, he’s a moron because he was a habitual criminal, including a felony for injuring an elderly man. Third, he’s a moron because he punctuated his rambling sentence with the word “dawg.”

It might be noted that the Waco Tribune story began this way: “A Waco man whose woeful attempt to rob…” Based on my new style book, that story could begin, “A wacko man whose woeful attempt to rob…”

Technically, there’s no reason to use the word “moron” or “wacko” in this story because showing beats telling any day.

Now some will protest that I’m editorializing and ultimately marginalizing the morons of the world. But people who say this are morons. And no, I refuse to love the moron and hate his moronic misconduct.

Now far be it from me to be a language Nazi who’s determined to drain the color out of language and insists on using “utility tunnel overlay” instead of “manhole cover,” because of imagined sexist implications. My style book allows for lots of other terms for the word “vandal.” There’s “cretin,” “dolt,” “imbecile,” “schmuck,” “schnook” “lummock,” “addle brained,” “empty headed,” “ass,” “loser,” or “nincompoop.”

According to my new style guide, these synonyms would be easily interchangeable, if even harsh enough, in describing the morons who trashed the Shadyside bridge.