Jack Williams, Ink.

Under the electronic shingle, Jack W. Williams, Ink., visitors can read a virtual version of my newspaper column which appears weekly in a daily known as the Herald Bulletin, published in the Midwestern town of Anderson, Ind.

Name:
Location: Anderson, Indiana

I am a full time communicator—specializing in written and oral communications. I have served my country as a free-lance writer, college adjunct instructor, newspaper columnist, magazine editor, company publications director, advertising copywriter, storyteller, prose performer, humorist/satirist, Wesleyan-Arminian League shortstop, pointy-head pundit, bibliomaniac and certified prewfreader. When I’m not engaged in professional communication, I’m just a poor wayfaring stranger.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

At last—a religion nonbelievers can believe in

Published 3/28/06

When we think of religion, we probably think of our ancestors forging belief systems out of the question “Why?” at the dawn of ancient civilization. But have you heard about the new religion that was founded by a medical student in Birmingham, Ala., in the Year of our Lord, 2003?

Not that the intern and his followers would say “Year of our Lord.”

That’s because adherents of Universism—pronounced Universe-ism—don’t believe in a diety. Likewise, they place their faith in doubt. The Web site of the Universist movement says it welcomes “people who apply reason to religious questions, who trust science, who believe in evolution, who reject miracles and shared revelation, who reject blind faith, yet believe in, for the lack of a better term, ‘God.’ ”

But for Universists, “God” is merely a supernatural first cause. He started us up and then left for a long cosmic lunch. He won’t be back to answer our prayers. And because of the dangers of belief, say the Universists, you have to hold loosely to your Heavenly Father as Higher Power because aligning yourself with an omniscient deity is a divisive issue. Besides, dogma—rather anti-dogma—is dynamic. The process of theology may yield a different answer tomorrow.

The movement, which calls itself “the world’s first rational religion,” claims 10,000 members, including first member Ford Vox, the twentysomething founder of Universism.

A medical student at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, Vox was shaken by the 9/11 attacks and the role that religion played in the tragedy. One day in 2003 he outlined his religious philosophy in an essay and posted it on the Web: “For all recorded time, true believers have fought for faiths that define their societies. Their horrors have stalked us through the millennia, and in the 21st century we have reached a precipice. Competing forces of faith struggle for dominance on a geopolitical stage, wielding weapons of mass destruction. Faiths impose profound limitations on human potential and propagate thought processes that remain among the greatest inspirations for individual acts of violence. Now they threaten all of humanity. We must declare independence from faith, or fall from the precipice.”

Ford went on to note that the principles of Universism “offer a clear and present alternative to the religions that threaten to destroy our world. There is a connection between faith-driven mass murder and faith-driven public policy in the United States. They differ in degree only.”

Vox knew he had struck a chord with other “nonbelievers” when replies to his Web page rolled in and the faithless Universists began meeting in small groups throughout the U.S. In cafés, living rooms and sometimes online, they gathered to read and discuss ideas found in various books, essays, songs, poetry or audio and visual media. According to their Web site, “This practice emphasizes how there is no one reference, no one authoritative source from which we draw inspiration and meaning as Universists.”

The Universist movement is definitely a seeker religion. Universist.org explains that it “elevates the search for meaning and purpose rather than valuing belief for its own sake…we all share an understanding that the search never ends, that it is a wellspring of wonder and motivation in our daily lives.”

The phenomenon has received its share of media coverage in the last few months, including reports by the New York Times, U.S. News & World Report, the Los Angeles Times, Fox News and The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. It’s also had its critics.

Last month on Anderson Cooper’s 360 °, CNN correspondent Tom Foreman called it “the Seinfeld of religion—no ministers, no real rules, nothing except endless evening talks on politics, life, death, love, all questions, no answers.” Maybe that wasn’t a criticism.

If Vox thinks that those of us who embrace a “revealed religion”—as he calls it—don’t deal with doubts, then he’s forgotten his Presbyterian roots.

But he does make some profound points. He told the Birmingham Weekly, “A shift needs to occur in the religious world from the whole paradigm of ‘Do you believe in God? to ‘How do you behave, based on what you believe?’ ”

I believe he’s right there.

Monday, March 20, 2006

New test helps 50-plus folks calculate time left

Published 3/21/06

From time to time, I like to look at my biological clock and see how much living I have left. So I was intrigued last month when I heard that researchers at the San Francisco Veterans Affairs Medical Center had developed a quiz to help those of us 50 or more determine our chances of dropping dead in the next four years.

Uh…why would we want to know this? Researchers say the survey can give us a glimpse into our future—or whether we have a future.

Points are given in each of the 12 risk categories which are factors in survival. So tally your score as you go—I’ll do the same—and let’s see where we fall in the Death Risk Score Box provided following the quiz.

1. The Year Factor: Give me a big fat zero in this category. But remember, in this exercise, getting nothing is good.
0 points—50-59
1 point—60-64
2 points—65-69
3 points—70-74
4 points—75-79
5 points—80-84
7 points—85
+

2. Mars or Venus?: Another case in which just being a man is a liability. Gender discrimination if ever I’ve seen it!
2 points—Men
0 points—Women


3. BMI: Eat, Drink & Be Heavy: The research says that normal Body Mass Index—25 or under—is a factor because lower than normal weight is a health risk for older people. To calculate your BMI, divide your weight in pounds by the total of your height in inches times your height in inches. Then multiply by 703. (I may be penalized points here because it took me an hour to do the math.)
1 point—Less than 25 BMI

4. Impaired Pancreas Penalty: Drat! I can’t operate heavy machinery either. Two-stroke penalty for me.
2 points—Diabetes

5. Cancer Diagnosis: This category excludes minor skin cancers. I’m clear here…so far.
2 points—Cancer

6. Breathe Deep: This quiz question asks if lung disease limits your activities or requires oxygen use at home. Give me a zero for every breath I take, every move I make.
2 points—Chronic Lung Disease

7. Ticker’s Track Record: Healthy heart history helps me here.
2 points—Congestive Heart Failure

8. Smoking or Non-Smoking: Points awarded—awarded?—to anyone who’s smoked cigarettes in the last week. Except for a couple Cubans in Cancun, I’ve lived my life in compliance with the surgeon general’s warning.
2 points—Cigarette Smoking

9. Now, Where Was I? You’re assessed points if showers and baths are a struggle due to health or memory problems. I never forget to take a shower.
2 points—Difficulty bathing or showering

10. Walk This Way: Take two points if walking several blocks is a challenge due to health problems. I get zero for ability, deserve a 2 for slothfulness.
2 points—Difficulty walking

11. Push & Pull: Your mortality may be at stake if you have difficulty pushing or pulling large objects like a living room chair because of a health problem. Of course, your marriage may be at stake if you’re faking ill health because you hate re-arranging the furniture. I’m cool. I pushed my mini van home other day.
2 points—Difficulty moving large objects

12. Personal Finance: If you struggle to manage money due to a health problem you face more than a financial risk. Technically, in the category of tracking income and outgo, I probably have a 64 percent chance of dying in the next four days.
2 points—Difficulty paying bills or tracking expenses

The Death Risk Score Box below shows your chances of dying in the next four years…
0-5 points—less than 4%
6-9 points—15%
10-13 points—42%
14+ points--64%

How’d you do? I hate to gloat, but based on my death risk score of four points, I should be around to see Coach Charlie Weis lead the Notre Dame Irish to at least one national title in the next four years.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

How to steal moments from time-consuming chores

Published 3/14/06

I am vexed by the amount of our hours that we must invest in the daily drudgery of humdrum chores. I’m talking about chores like cooking meals, unloading the dishwasher, making the bed, washing and drying clothes, ironing those clothes once they’re dry, folding them neatly away, shampooing the pets, and don’t even get me started on those time-killing frequent pilgrimages to the grocery.

To me, this is lost time when I could be contemplating the nature of the universe or watching “Dog, the Bounty Hunter.”

So, when I waved my wife off to a far country a week ago, I thought it was the perfect time for a two-week household experiment. In this experiment, which I am actually doing for the guys of the globe, I am asking the question: If a man wants to minimize his time behind the mop, how now shall he live?

I began my experiment the morning after my wife left. That’s when I was confronted by a messy bed and pillows hanging from the ceiling fan. Is it really necessary to make the bed when you’re going to climb back in it a few hours anyway? What if you didn’t unmake the bed to begin with? I found that I can sleep on top of the bed and save myself the half hour it takes each morning to square up the mattresses, seek out socks that create the lumps under the end of the bedspread, tuck in the sheets and make the bed tour-of-homes ready. This week, I’m ahead of the game when I get out of bed.

Brilliant!

The next thing I typically do in the morning is unload the dishwasher, fix breakfast, dirty up some dishes and begin re-loading the dishwasher. But in my experiment, I have found that I can cut back on dirty dishes by pulling up a chair to the range, use it as a table, and eat my eggs and French toast out of the pans that fried them. Then it’s just a matter of putting the dishes back in the dishwasher and, more or less, using the dishwasher as a cabinet. Try this at home and you’ve saved nearly an hour—unless you happen to lay the morning paper on a hot burner in which case you have a fire to put out and a whole kitchen to remodel. Okay one hour forward, five hours backward.

Think of how much time we use just to keep our clothes in job- interview condition. But this week I am discovering the time saved by streamlining the process. Is there any logic to carrying an armload of towels, socks and underwear to their respective drawers when you can keep them in your dresser-dryer?

Ironing is a perennial problem, the worst time consumer. Because it’s such a mind-numbing task and because, to some people, watching the big game looks like a waste of time, I usually save up shirts throughout the year and then iron them while I watch the Super Bowl. In fact, I saved up my 2005 ironing so I could watch the Colts in the Super Bowl. It didn’t happen and neither did the ironing. There’s always the NCAA finals.

Every time I turn around, I’m emptying the cat’s litter box, cleaning the box and then refilling it again—as the sands of time slowly slip away. But the other day I came up with the idea of filling the upstairs bath tub, which we seldom use anyway, with 50 bags of litter. I won’t have to think about that chore for a couple of months—as long as I keep the bathroom door closed.

And every night I lose time and sleep when I take the Yorkie out on pee patrol. But this week, I’ve run a leash from the bed post to the Yorkie’s collar and left the bedroom window open (hey, it’s been warm). At his slightest whimper, I can set him on the window ledge so he can take it from there. If necessary, I can pull the little guy back into the house without even getting out of bed. In just moments, he’s back in the sack—well, we’re on top of the sack, actually—and we’re both fast asleep.

In my experiment, as in life, precious stolen moments are what it’s all about.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

“Peruse the News” is a survey of offbeat behavior

Published 3/7/06

During my career as a journalist, I have enjoyed playing a little game that I call “Peruse the News.” When I peruse the news, I’m not so much boning up on current events as I am observing human behavior.


Rather, human mis-behavior.

As someone, probably a newsroom editor, once said, “Truth is stranger than fiction.”

For example, a few years ago I came across this story in USA Today about a public estate sale of Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Derrick Thomas. As the USA Today story goes, “Thomas, who died Feb. 8, 2000, from injuries suffered in an auto accident, left seven children from five women and no will.”

Apparently, Derrick was a family man many times over.

The estate sale was to include items “ranging from Thomas’ two Mercedes automobiles (valued at $106,500 and $60,500) to unopened packages of boxers, briefs and athletic supporters.” As any football team will tell you, it’s hard to put a dollar value on athletic supporters.

A couple years ago, The Indianapolis Star covered President Bush’s visit to Indy. When the president’s motorcade was cruising 38th Street near the Indiana State Fairgrounds, a demonstrator from Fishers allegedly jumped in the street, waved a U.N. flag and punched a police officer who tried to move him away from the path of the motorcade. At the time of his arrest, the accused reportedly said he would stay in jail for the seven weeks leading up to his trial instead of posting the $20,000 bail.

“I’ve been trying to catch up on my writing for a long time,” he told the Star.

Hmm. Never thought of that.

This paper reported the capture of two too-intoxicated robbery suspects who were acting suspicious in the 2800 block of Columbus Avenue. They looked suspicious because they were wearing ski masks and gloves, they matched the description of suspects who had just “visited” a nearby liquor store and there is no ski resort in Madison County. Note to thugs and thieves: Under normal circumstances, you ditch the thugwear after you leave the scene of the crime.

One of the suspects complained in video court that every time he tried to complete his GED, he was put in jail. Well, that explains it.

Did you hear the one about the mayor in Cottageville, S.C.? During his term he has worked to change the small town’s reputation as a speed trap. So maybe he was just testing his officers when he was ticketed recently for going 103 in a 55 mph zone. He added to the town’s revenue when he paid his ticket which amounted to $375. But no word on whether the town’s image has been made new—or just confirmed.

A USA Today story last August looked at the shorthand devices a Dallas gas station used on its signs to communicate climbing prices to its customers. Using words and graphic symbols, regular unleaded was going for an “Arm,” the mid-grade octane for a “Leg” and premium for “Your First Born.” It’s nice when pump owners can have a sense of humor about it.

An Associated Press story recently reported how a man in a West Chester, Penn., courtroom, dressed in a suit and tie and shackles on his wrists and ankles, was sentenced 10 to 20 years on a charge of conspiracy to commit murder. The judge then allowed sheriff deputies to remove the shackles from the convicted and promptly read wedding nuptials to the man and his fiancée, pronouncing them man and wife and giving them a few minutes for wedding photos. The new Mrs. said she planned to move near her husband’s incarceration site.

For better or worse.

I did a double take when I read this next story, which appeared on the Associated Press wire just this weekend, a little too quickly: “A criminal justice professor at Grand Rapids Community College has resigned after showing a video in class of a man having sex with a pig, students and a faculty representative said.” Read it again—if you must—and try not to pause before the word “said.”

If you’re going to play “Peruse the News,” it pays to play it slowly.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

An open letter to the editor of the NY Times

Published 2/28/06

Dear Editor:

As you might suspect, many of us here in grim town are still smarting a week after the appearance of your front page article “Company Town Relies on G.M. Long After Plants Have Closed.”

In fact, we would cancel our subscriptions if your circulation reached us. However, we do have Internet here in Anderson so most of us read the article in your virtual edition, which also featured an audio slide show and photos of Anderson that didn’t exactly show our best side.

Considering the fact that the New York Times’ weekday circulation is more than 1 million, that many papers around the world publish your page one and other stories through subscriptions to the New York Times News Service and that the story was omnipresent on the Internet, the city of Anderson probably couldn’t have bought the kind of national exposure that we got last week. More than likely, we wouldn’t have signed up for that kind of advertising.

If TimesWatch, an organization that documents the paper’s political agenda, is correct when it says the NY Times is “arguably the most influential media outlet in America” and that it “sets the agenda for the television news programs from which most Americans get their news,” well, we are humbled by the exposure of your coverage.

We won’t question your story’s statistics, which we live each day, unless it’s the 50 miles that separate Anderson from Indianapolis. The many of us who to commute to Indy to find jobs would confirm that we can make it there in 35 miles instead of your estimated 50.

But what we will call into question were your interview sources for the article and exactly what trail you followed to get the pulse of the city.

Your reporters didn’t appear to interview anyone who did not have a GM connection. There was the one factory retiree who said that without GM, Anderson “would be in a heck of a mess.” Hmm. It seems to some of us that because of GM, we are in a heck of a mess. We marvel at how the world’s largest automaker and global industry sales leader for 75 years could come to shutter up operations, as your article points out, in 80 communities throughout the U.S.

But then again, maybe there’s no reason to marvel. As your article notes, employees were “made comfortable by one of the richest retirement programs offered to working Americans.” So, was it the huge social contract they had with employees, which made their health care and labor costs the highest in the industry? Who was steering GM’s “company car”? Could they not see past the next quarter? Was it simply every executive and union leader for himself or herself? And what if Aristotle ran General Motors?

Not only did you primarily interview those of the “GM legacy,” you also didn’t appear to consult with anyone under the age of 70.

Times reporters quoted one GM retiree who said, “Young people don’t stand a chance.” Many of us, of course, believe they do stand a chance if they learn the history of this town, peruse the job market and then climb into the seat of higher education.

But in your reporters’ search for the youth of Anderson, they stumbled into MCL.This has to be one of the most ironic lines in the story: “Yet there were few young people at the tables of the MCL Cafeteria last week.” You see, Editor, here in the rust belt, young people don’t hang out at buffets and cafeterias ordering early bird specials.

And what in the name of the Pulitzer Prize led you to a corner bar for your “man on the street” quotes. You call it “one of Anderson’s most storied factory taverns” but I doubt that any story coming out of this bar has the least bit of relevance to the economy and development of this city.

Your writers gave the article a beautiful “art imitates life” ending, with a wrapup quote from another GM retiree: “We’re going to turn the lights off when we leave.”

Well, don’t touch the lights please because there’s a whole other population of Anderson that’s working on a blueprint for the future.

And Mr. Editor, if your reporters ever return, we’d be happy to tell the Times…the rest of the story.