How JCS handles motorists who violate stop arms
Published 5/9/06
After reading this paper’s story about dangers posed by local motorists when they disregard school bus stop-arms (“A passing danger,” April 30), I entertained some thoughts about what I might do if were a bus driver.
As you may recall, THB reporter Lynelle Miller quoted one bus driver who said a day hardly passes that she doesn’t have a vehicle sail through her warning zone. Other bus drivers, as well as parents of bus riders, commented on motorists who honk or make obscene gestures when they have to wait for students to board the big yellow.
G-r-r-r-r-r. I have no patience for impatient drivers—particularly those who endanger the welfare of children on the path to a high school education.
Perhaps that will explain this mental mischief. Here’s how it is in JCS—Jack’s Community Schools--where the motto is “No Child is Left Behind On Account of Motorists Who Are Morons”…
First of all, forget the flimsy little flop arms that apparently some drivers use as an invitation from the game “Red Rover.” Jack’s fleet of Classic Yellow Commando Buses have a patented Door of Swinging Steel® which pivots out from the driver’s side—similar to the flimsy flop arm—and essentially clears the streets of unwanted traffic and secures the area while children enter or exit the bus. The Door of Swinging Steel® can stop drivers dead in their tracks. A poised bus driver on the balls of his feet can return a speeding car like it was a lob over the net. And the faster they come, the faster they leave. To protect children from commuters shooting around from behind the bus, an alert bus driver who keeps one eye on the mirror can shift the door in reverse and basically back hand a reckless motorist.
Pin ball? Kind of.
My warning doors don’t carry the word “Stop” because apparently violating drivers are extremely illiterate anyway. What it does have is a picture of a door—we’ve used the door theme for consistency and understandability—with a number 1 on it with the symbols $$$. (Everyone understands that.) When a second door swings from the passenger side of the bus, not only does it help balance the bus but it provides a picture of a door labeled 2, showing a gent duded up in jail attire. It’s a shorthand way of saying, “Mr. Violator, cross this line and you’ll get whatever’s behind door number 1 or door number 2.” This shorthand is not misunderstood by those who already know the system.
As a bus chauffeur for JCS, I sometimes have to administer the personal touch to wayward drivers. When these antsy drivers hit the horn while innocent children are dawdling to or from the bus, I activate the Door of Swinging Steel ®, seal off the intersection, dismount from the driver’s seat and do my own bit of dawdling over to the window of the honking driver who’s spitting venom by now. Then I’ll say something like, “Hey, pal. You late for a House vote?”
I can’t print the responses of my drivers. Of course, by now there’s a long convoy of cars honking their hoods off as well as a few miles of road rage raging behind my bus.
Since many of the offenders are teenagers with cellphones, my school bus is outfitted with the kind of technology that allows me to cut through all of the electromagnetic radio waves and interrupt conversations of drivers who are about to interrupt my children’s safety zone. You’d be amazed at how drivers slam on their brakes when I make their private call a conference call and say in a deep divine voice, “Excuse me, excuse me. This is God. Put it in park now!!!”
Frequently I write up tickets for their crimes to education. The ticket is actually a free pass to a driver’s temper training seminar which explains that violating a school bus stop-arm law is a criminal offense. The session also provides massage therapy for those fuming with redlight rage. Because in my dreams I’m a busy, busy bus driver, these seminars are handled by my assistant, Misty Meanor.
That’s how it is in JCS.
After reading this paper’s story about dangers posed by local motorists when they disregard school bus stop-arms (“A passing danger,” April 30), I entertained some thoughts about what I might do if were a bus driver.
As you may recall, THB reporter Lynelle Miller quoted one bus driver who said a day hardly passes that she doesn’t have a vehicle sail through her warning zone. Other bus drivers, as well as parents of bus riders, commented on motorists who honk or make obscene gestures when they have to wait for students to board the big yellow.
G-r-r-r-r-r. I have no patience for impatient drivers—particularly those who endanger the welfare of children on the path to a high school education.
Perhaps that will explain this mental mischief. Here’s how it is in JCS—Jack’s Community Schools--where the motto is “No Child is Left Behind On Account of Motorists Who Are Morons”…
First of all, forget the flimsy little flop arms that apparently some drivers use as an invitation from the game “Red Rover.” Jack’s fleet of Classic Yellow Commando Buses have a patented Door of Swinging Steel® which pivots out from the driver’s side—similar to the flimsy flop arm—and essentially clears the streets of unwanted traffic and secures the area while children enter or exit the bus. The Door of Swinging Steel® can stop drivers dead in their tracks. A poised bus driver on the balls of his feet can return a speeding car like it was a lob over the net. And the faster they come, the faster they leave. To protect children from commuters shooting around from behind the bus, an alert bus driver who keeps one eye on the mirror can shift the door in reverse and basically back hand a reckless motorist.
Pin ball? Kind of.
My warning doors don’t carry the word “Stop” because apparently violating drivers are extremely illiterate anyway. What it does have is a picture of a door—we’ve used the door theme for consistency and understandability—with a number 1 on it with the symbols $$$. (Everyone understands that.) When a second door swings from the passenger side of the bus, not only does it help balance the bus but it provides a picture of a door labeled 2, showing a gent duded up in jail attire. It’s a shorthand way of saying, “Mr. Violator, cross this line and you’ll get whatever’s behind door number 1 or door number 2.” This shorthand is not misunderstood by those who already know the system.
As a bus chauffeur for JCS, I sometimes have to administer the personal touch to wayward drivers. When these antsy drivers hit the horn while innocent children are dawdling to or from the bus, I activate the Door of Swinging Steel ®, seal off the intersection, dismount from the driver’s seat and do my own bit of dawdling over to the window of the honking driver who’s spitting venom by now. Then I’ll say something like, “Hey, pal. You late for a House vote?”
I can’t print the responses of my drivers. Of course, by now there’s a long convoy of cars honking their hoods off as well as a few miles of road rage raging behind my bus.
Since many of the offenders are teenagers with cellphones, my school bus is outfitted with the kind of technology that allows me to cut through all of the electromagnetic radio waves and interrupt conversations of drivers who are about to interrupt my children’s safety zone. You’d be amazed at how drivers slam on their brakes when I make their private call a conference call and say in a deep divine voice, “Excuse me, excuse me. This is God. Put it in park now!!!”
Frequently I write up tickets for their crimes to education. The ticket is actually a free pass to a driver’s temper training seminar which explains that violating a school bus stop-arm law is a criminal offense. The session also provides massage therapy for those fuming with redlight rage. Because in my dreams I’m a busy, busy bus driver, these seminars are handled by my assistant, Misty Meanor.
That’s how it is in JCS.
posted by Jack W. Williams | 7:06 PM
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